Choosing Recovery

I've been writing this post in my head for days, trying to get it out right. I have a lot to say; this has been one hell of a week. I'm struggling to believe it is only one week, so much has happened.

All things considered it hasn't been brilliant. For a few reasons I've been extremely triggered and using behaviours a lot, but in a way it's been a wake up call. I'm starting to understand the fact that what I do to myself has consequences - I'm not going to get away with treating myself like this forever.

What I really want to talk about, and the good thing that has come out of this week, is a mindset I've been finding myself in. Slowly slowly, I'm coming round to the idea that recovery is necessary, possible, and the right thing to do. This is massive; I've been waiting for this a long time, and this shift has come for a number of reasons... The continued support of my lovely friends and girlfriend, and, more recently, the support of a new group I'm a part of. I can't stress enough how much the wonderful, amazing people in that group have helped me even in such a short time, and I feel so lucky to have been offered this chance.

I'm struggling with the age-old beliefs 'you're not sick (enough)', 'you're not thin enough', 'you don't deserve to treat yourself properly'... I could go on. But I know I can't expect that to go away overnight. Saying I choose recovery doesn't mean I can never use a behaviour again or that I have to absolutely love myself from this second on. I'm not ready or able for either of those things, but I can see them on the horizon. There is a lot I want out of life, and I feel I have a responsibility to get what I can - that's not greediness, is it? It's just making the most of what you've got.