Other than other people around me having incredibly wonderful, inspiring blogs, I suppose the main thing that's led me into starting this one is that lately I've felt unable to properly express how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking. I've never really been one to do that; normally I can talk plenty about myself (you might even say too much). So I'm thinking that this might be a good way to try and get my thoughts in order, basically.
I've also been thinking a fair bit about getting back into doing creative things - I used to do a lot of artwork and writing and actually found it very helpful, but it's been a long time since I've been able to actually create anything. A very nasty combination of perfectionism and self-hatred as well as a lack of motivation have basically put a stop to it. I feel like writing is maybe aiming too high, but I'd definitely like to try doing some drawing or something - if I do, I'll post it on here...
Another thing that's on my mind is the referral I've been waiting for since the beginning of March. I'm in two minds about it - half of me is terrified of getting help, and half of me's terrified I won't be offered any, or I'll have to wait a lot longer. I do believe to some extent that this is my last chance, and I don't know what I'll do if whatever I'm offered isn't enough. I had a letter through a while back (say, 2 months ago, eek) telling me to please make another appointment at the surgery to review how I'm doing in the meantime - I did make one appointment, cancelled it, and I've been avoiding making another with one excuse or another since then. I do know I should make one though. I tried the surgery yesterday but it was closed, so I'm going to try again tomorrow. Eek. I'll worry about what I'll do when I actually get an appointment when I get one...
I hope you do find the blogging useful sweet. It does take a bit of getting used to at first I think, I feel a bit like you about it. But whatever you decide to write about, it's great that you are doing it. Just by doing this you're allowing yourself to get back into writing gently.
ReplyDeleteI think what you're feeling about getting help is completely understandable. I had very similar fears about treatment. I think getting treatment is a scary thing...for me part of it was taking the leap to trust someone to help me properly, and to let go of the security that behaviours bring. Trying something new is hard, but a brave step. So proud of you for going ahead and getting the referral though. I hope they can give you what you need from them. I've only recently come under NHS care, but I can tell you that my experience so far has been pretty positive.
Thinking of you xxx
I too hope this is of some help.
ReplyDeleteHere for you, here fighting with you {{{hugs}}}