Don't read, might trigger

My girlfriend can't make her mind up as to whether we're going to break up or stay together.
I am just letting myself get comfortable.
Just beginning to let myself feel safe again, and then the carpet is pulled from under my feet.
I'm terrified. Our break-up was the worst two weeks of my life. I was intensely suicidal, constantly. Couldn't deal with the slightest thing. Was absolutely hopeless and I can safely say I have never felt that bad. I was so illogical, and I feel that slipping back now this unsteadiness, this fear is back. I message her something, I do something, and then I get back to myself and I think, who did that? Why did I say that? Why have you fucked things up, again?

Because I always do.
I'm destined to.
I've always been told that I can't do a fucking thing right and it's true.

I really, well and truly, hate myself. I've been slipping slightly this week and this has really made me take the plunge. I can't see the point in holding out much longer. ED voice is pretty constant, although in a way that makes me feel like a total failure. As if there's anything wrong with me, as if I'm ill. I'm just an attention-seeking fuck up who insists on ruining everyone else's lives as well as her own. Can't talk to anyone.