river papercut by fricktoria on Flickr.

I'm hoping to clear my head, here. Sat in bed with music in the background, my duvet round me, watching the streetlights flicker on one by one outside, I'm trying to remind myself what I'm holding on for, and why. To remind myself that it will happen.

I have always been uncomfortable with the word 'fighter' attached to me. When people tell me I'm fighting, I've been quick to correct them that I'm not, I'm not trying, I'm not being brave, taking no plunges. In the last couple of weeks, though, I've begun to see myself that way. Continually picking myself off the floor and trying to be kind, to be compassionate to myself and just fucking keeping going is the hardest fight I've ever come against. I am beginning to be proud of myself and to see myself as strong, when for me that has only ever been a word to describe other people.

I can get through this. I can get through this. It will get better; it will get better, if you keep going.
Constant mantras to myself.

I find it so hard to believe I'll ever be over Kate, and the thought is really terrifying. She is the closest friend I've had and honestly the only person I believe knows me completely. She is such an important part of my life, and I believe that is part of the problem. When we were together she was constantly acting as rescuer, me as victim; as a result I always needed her too badly. The fact I'm struggling with it so much now says more about that than about how much the relationship actually meant to each of us.

I know I can't rush this healing period and I have to allow myself to grieve but I resent it, I'm humiliated by my own weakness/vulnerability and I'm frustrated I can't make it happen quicker. I know now that I have it in me to heal myself but I'm impatient for it and frustrated with myself, and that is where the self-hatred slips in and the productive compassionate state gets drowned out. I am jealous and angry and I hate myself for that; I am sad and lonely and I hate myself for that, too.

What if it never happens? How do I go about finding someone who knows me and cares about me as much? How do I deal with this?

I have said a thousand times, I would give anything, anything, to be over this, and be able to be her friend. And maybe that desperation is telling of just how not ready I am to do that.

I wish I was ready to go to her exhibition today, to meet her friends and her potential-possible-kind-of-new-girlfriend and be happy for her. But I'm stuck alone at home. I am so profoundly lonely and I don't know how to fix that, except just to keep going, and keep trying, and keep reaching out to the love I still have in my life.

saying again

if you do not teach me I shall not learn

saying again there is a last

even of last times

last times of begging

last times of loving

of knowing not knowing pretending

a last even of last times of saying

if you do not love me I shall not be loved

if I do not love you I shall not love

("Cascando" - Samuel Beckett)

could be triggering (ED, SH, OD)

I've been avoiding blogging mainly because I don't have the energy, and also because I don't want to moan. I like having a positive spin at the end of my posts, but to be honest I'm finding it hard to see the silver lining at the minute. My last post is a fairly good example.

I feel completely dropped by the NHS. I have doctors appointments every two weeks, which is good, and my GP is great and has done all she can for me, but that seems to be very little. My mum has offered to pay for half for sessions with this therapist who has a few very cut rate places for people in need, so we can pay about a quarter of the price of a normal session between us (as in, I'm paying an eighth). I feel lucky to be offered this but incredibly, incredibly guilty. So guilty I don't know if I can go through with it. If I didn't feel so terrible and hopeless about the situation with the NHS counselling (I might be offered counselling with ED services in September) I wouldn't even be considering this. It doesn't seem fair on people who have even less money than me, or who haven't been able to find such a generous offer. I feel for everyone on the waiting list, especially because I truly believe everyone must be iller than me.

I am not beginning to believe that I might just be given up on. The NHS provides 25 (?) sessions max, and after that you rejoin the waiting list (which for me has been a year and a half). This situation is awful and it is terrifying, because for the first time I've felt like asking for help, as hard as it is, might not get me anywhere after all. I do want to get better. I'm fighting as hard as I can, but I can't do it alone; I've been trying for 7 years now and it's only getting harder.

I am really slipping. My ED symptoms are awful. My depression is so bad I haven't had a bath in over a month. That's disgusting, but I'm putting it out there to explain, because I don't have the words. I haven't brushed my hair in over a week. Getting up the energy to make a drink takes hours. My clothes get changed when necessary - generally once or twice a week, and I usually don't bother changing into pyjamas. I am trying to get out of the house every now and again, and I am achieving that actually. I've been to all of my useless appointments, been out to see a friend, been to Kate's a few times and to the bank, and I even went out one night without it being too much of a disaster - although I did end up self-harming, overdosing, drinking too much - compared to when I went out in Liverpool and was a total mess. I am actually going to work, and I can get through the day, although I'm making a lot of mistakes.

I am shakily on my feet and I am doing what I can. However, I am definitely existing, rather than living. I barely think my own thoughts. I can't concentrate. I have no desire to do anything. Feelings, especially positive ones, are few and far between. I feel like my brain is melting, much of the time.

I have my little 'recovery folder' with my list of reasons to stay ill, and reasons to get better. The fact I've made that list I think is a positive. I'm trying to hold onto these things, these moments where I feel something like motivation.

I can't do this, I can't do this any more. I've had enough. I can't cope and I'm on my own.

Art Journalling

I've been doing a lot of art journalling recently - I've found that it has helped me to process some difficult emotions that at the time were too extreme to talk or even think about. I generally draw like this when I'm in a very animated state, either feeling extremely bad (feeling unable to speak, read, with very strong urges to hurt myself) or at the other end of the spectrum, feeling very excitable and sped up, talking too fast (I don't really know how to explain that). In both cases I think it helps me manage the emotions without causing damage. It gives me the same emotional release I got from self harm, is the best way to describe it. At the time I don't understand what I'm drawing or why, but when I look back at it later on it is interesting to see how what I've drawn is incredibly related to the struggles I'm going through and the particular thoughts I'm having which were previously too hard to think about.

Here are some recent pages from my journals :)

Don't read, might trigger

My girlfriend can't make her mind up as to whether we're going to break up or stay together.
I am just letting myself get comfortable.
Just beginning to let myself feel safe again, and then the carpet is pulled from under my feet.
I'm terrified. Our break-up was the worst two weeks of my life. I was intensely suicidal, constantly. Couldn't deal with the slightest thing. Was absolutely hopeless and I can safely say I have never felt that bad. I was so illogical, and I feel that slipping back now this unsteadiness, this fear is back. I message her something, I do something, and then I get back to myself and I think, who did that? Why did I say that? Why have you fucked things up, again?

Because I always do.
I'm destined to.
I've always been told that I can't do a fucking thing right and it's true.

I really, well and truly, hate myself. I've been slipping slightly this week and this has really made me take the plunge. I can't see the point in holding out much longer. ED voice is pretty constant, although in a way that makes me feel like a total failure. As if there's anything wrong with me, as if I'm ill. I'm just an attention-seeking fuck up who insists on ruining everyone else's lives as well as her own. Can't talk to anyone.

*could trigger*

I went today to a funeral of a family friend.
A wonderful, caring, gentle, generous, beautiful woman.

She sadly gave up her fight against depression and took her life on the 7th of this month.
It is such a sad loss.
She was so wise, and so talented, and so inspirational.
A truly lovely, lovely person.

I try to believe there is always hope. I do believe she had more to give and more to get from life. But I am so glad she is able to rest now.
Of all the people who deserve peace...

We buried her today surrounded by beautiful woodland.
The wind blew through the trees for her.
The sun was setting as we walked back up the hill.
And all through the ceremony everyone cried, smiled, and laughed...
Feeling grateful for the gifts she gave us while she still could be here.

I am reminded that there is so much love in the world.
And so much beauty.

Caroline used to say that it could be too early, but it it never too late...
(She was a bit of a scatterbrain and never on time).
And while it is too late to save her now, it isn't too late for us to take something good from something so awful, and really try to live this awful, beautiful life.

"There were many talents you possessed that I wished myself to have

But the way your eyes would gloss over, well I never envied that

And I doubt you'll ever come back now from wherever it is you are

'Cause you never understood what we loved you for...

...But I'll try to breathe in meaning, dig deep through every gasp of air

'Cause I know you did the same thing for as long as you could bear."

Drink up baby, stay up all night

With the things you could do

You won't but you might

The potential you'll be that you'll never see

The promises you'll only make

Drink up with me now

And forget all about the pressure of days

Do what I say and I'll make you okay

And drive them away

The images stuck in your head

The people you've been before

That you don't want around anymore

That push and shove and won't bend to your will

I'll keep them still

Drink up baby, look at the stars

I'll kiss you again between the bars

Where I'm seeing you there with your hands in the air

Waiting to finally be caught

Drink up one more time and I'll make you mine

Keep you apart, deep in my heart

Separate from the rest, where I like you the best

And keep the things you forgot

The people you've been before

That you don't want around any more

That push and shove and won't bend to your will

I'll keep them still

(Elliott Smith)