Art Journalling and Photos for Lucy!

I promised Lucy some pictures from my recent trip to Brighton, since she's never been, and here they are as promised...

And since I've got my camera back I can post some pictures of my art journal again! (Lucky you ;) )


Alright, so this one's a bit angsty, but it did the job at the time ;)

"It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live, because what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is."

This one's so so cheesy, but I liked the message, I can't credit who wrote it originally but it wasn't me - "Recovery is a Lifestyle -it's about treating your body with respect. It's about feeding and loving your body. It's about self-acceptance. It's about being spiritual. It's about celebrating your body. It's about living a life of happiness. It's about persevering when things are bad. It's about kicking self-hate out of your life. It's about smiling and laughing when times are good and being open and honest when they're not. It's about knowing you deserve better. It's about fighting the good fight and always looking forward. Recovery is empowering and liberating and something that everyone should do!"

"because finally after all this struggle and all these years, you don't want to any more, you've simply had enough of drowning and you want to live and you want to love and you will walk across any territory and any darkness, however fluid and however dangerous, to take the one hand you know belongs in yours."
I can't credit this properly either, just random text I've stolen from some recovery blog (sorry internet)...

I really need an update, I'll get round to it at some point...

Diving

I've been wrestling with the concept of recovery recently - whether I believe in it (I've decided I do); whether I think I can get there (I've decided I can) and whether it's worth it (um, yes). Whether I deserve it, whether I know how to get there and whether I feel able to right now? Much more of a problem.

Things have been difficult recently. For one reason or another, I'm panicking. I'm resorting to behaviours a lot, and while they aren't worse, exactly, than the ones I've been using in the past few months, I've been scared (and others have been worried) by how fast my mind has been flicking switches, how quickly it can be taken over by something I'm still convincing myself is a disease.
I feel like there should be enough motivation in that fear, or I should have some desire to be myself again (it's hard to feel like your own person when such a massive proportion of your thoughts are about food, weight, calories...), but there isn't, and I don't. I want to be happy. I want a life. I want to make others happy. I know I will have to make that all for myself. I just still can't connect these things with my eating disorder, so in all honesty it feels pointless to recover from something I don't believe, deep down, is a real problem. On the other hand, I have to remember that I don't know what life is like without it, and isn't it worth a try? Isn't it worth just giving it a go, because recovering isn't just about eating enough, but not too much, and keeping it down? I want my bravery back, I want some strength back. To be able to believe that I can be more than I am and my that life can be more than it is.

I know I need to get to that point (and I've been there before) where I am brave enough to give it a go, to jump and let myself fall I-don't-know-where. I just don't know how to get there.

In the words of the fantastic Marya Hornbacher -
"Bear in mind you have a life to live. There is an incredible loss. There is a profound grief. And there is, in the end, after a long time and more work than you ever thought possible, a time when it gets easier.

There is, in the end, the letting go."

New art journal page :)

Sorry for the flash - I did this in Crayola crayons (I know, right?) and they're pretty shiny, so... I'm not that pleased with how this turned out but it did the job and honestly, you can't waste a good hour's hard colouring. The quotes are mostly from Bright Eyes songs (what I was listening to at the time) and there's another that is a bit of a misquote, it reads "And you cannot bear your living body because it has failed you somewhere". Apparently that's Henry Cameron?

The main quote reads "And I know the cause, and I want to stop - but I can't do it, I just can't do it", which is from 'Devil in the Details' by Bright Eyes, as is "this is gonna be reality; you can never dream it down (I have no way of telling the two apart)" and "If there's still time to turn around, I'm going to... I was the first one I deceived - if I can make myself believe, the rest is easy." The song is here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b08Z5uVL38s

"I lifted one foot to cross the other and I felt myself slip in; it was a small mistake, sometimes that's all it takes" is from 'From a Balance Beam' also by Bright Eyes, which is here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHNVbCXK1D0

Choosing Recovery

I've been writing this post in my head for days, trying to get it out right. I have a lot to say; this has been one hell of a week. I'm struggling to believe it is only one week, so much has happened.

All things considered it hasn't been brilliant. For a few reasons I've been extremely triggered and using behaviours a lot, but in a way it's been a wake up call. I'm starting to understand the fact that what I do to myself has consequences - I'm not going to get away with treating myself like this forever.

What I really want to talk about, and the good thing that has come out of this week, is a mindset I've been finding myself in. Slowly slowly, I'm coming round to the idea that recovery is necessary, possible, and the right thing to do. This is massive; I've been waiting for this a long time, and this shift has come for a number of reasons... The continued support of my lovely friends and girlfriend, and, more recently, the support of a new group I'm a part of. I can't stress enough how much the wonderful, amazing people in that group have helped me even in such a short time, and I feel so lucky to have been offered this chance.

I'm struggling with the age-old beliefs 'you're not sick (enough)', 'you're not thin enough', 'you don't deserve to treat yourself properly'... I could go on. But I know I can't expect that to go away overnight. Saying I choose recovery doesn't mean I can never use a behaviour again or that I have to absolutely love myself from this second on. I'm not ready or able for either of those things, but I can see them on the horizon. There is a lot I want out of life, and I feel I have a responsibility to get what I can - that's not greediness, is it? It's just making the most of what you've got.

I've always loved writing and drawing creatively, and one of the things that being ill has taken from me is my ability to do these things. To begin with, depression took away most of the enjoyment from the things I liked to do, and on top of that I tend to be so self-critical it's impossible to enjoy anything creative anyway.

I hate that. I hate that things I used to find happiness in have been taken from me. So I've decided to make an effort to get back into these things - baby steps :) And to begin with here's a picture I did today - the first I've even been relatively pleased with in the last few months. It's nothing spectacular but I'm definitely pleased I've done it.

Hi guys :) This is a bit of an experiment - I've never had a blog before so I'm either going to dive right into this one or forget about it in a couple of days... We shall see!

Other than other people around me having incredibly wonderful, inspiring blogs, I suppose the main thing that's led me into starting this one is that lately I've felt unable to properly express how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking. I've never really been one to do that; normally I can talk plenty about myself (you might even say too much). So I'm thinking that this might be a good way to try and get my thoughts in order, basically.

I've also been thinking a fair bit about getting back into doing creative things - I used to do a lot of artwork and writing and actually found it very helpful, but it's been a long time since I've been able to actually create anything. A very nasty combination of perfectionism and self-hatred as well as a lack of motivation have basically put a stop to it. I feel like writing is maybe aiming too high, but I'd definitely like to try doing some drawing or something - if I do, I'll post it on here...

Another thing that's on my mind is the referral I've been waiting for since the beginning of March. I'm in two minds about it - half of me is terrified of getting help, and half of me's terrified I won't be offered any, or I'll have to wait a lot longer. I do believe to some extent that this is my last chance, and I don't know what I'll do if whatever I'm offered isn't enough. I had a letter through a while back (say, 2 months ago, eek) telling me to please make another appointment at the surgery to review how I'm doing in the meantime - I did make one appointment, cancelled it, and I've been avoiding making another with one excuse or another since then. I do know I should make one though. I tried the surgery yesterday but it was closed, so I'm going to try again tomorrow. Eek. I'll worry about what I'll do when I actually get an appointment when I get one...