*May Trigger*

This is going to be very hard to write.
But just now I don't feel like talking about it, or posting about it.
I feel I know what people will say, and I understand that they are right. I am just working these things through in my head and they are very painful, and very new, and very difficult.
This doesn't mean to say I don't appreciate the people that will talk to me endlessly when I need to. I do, and I could never express how grateful I am...

On Wednesday night my friends and I got together some things were talked about that have been covered over so far.
My best friend told me something that happened to her that was very hard to hear.
It happened at a time when I was supposed to meet her.
We had a few misunderstandings, uncharged mobiles, missed texts, crossed paths, but didn't see each other...
She was furious after it happened. I was terrified I was about to lose a friend; I knew something was wrong but I didn't know what. I was scared, too, that I had broken the friendship between my then-friend-now-girlfriend and my best friend, which was the most beautiful friendship I have ever been lucky enough to experience.
Luckily, this horrific experience didn't stand in the way of our friendships for long. Of course, I understand now why she pushed as away so much. She didn't tell me until yesterday - and I think this is over a year now - because she didn't want me to feel guilty.
I understand that and I love her for it. Only a person with a heart as beautiful as hers could put herself second when she was in a place I can't even imagine. When she told me how it affected her it was like a knife through the heart. I love her so much, and I would do anything now to go back and change what happened. To be able to hold her hand and tell her how beautiful she was in the weeks and months that followed.
This isn't to say I feel guilty. I am deeply saddened, but I can't blame myself for it as much as I wish I could have changed it. The one at fault wasn't her - as she believed - but someone else.

I am shocked, over and over again, by the capacity some people have to hurt. I don't want to believe there are bad people in the world, but time and time again I am shown that there are.
I can't understand it. One thing I am proud of in myself is my capacity to forgive, but I am shocked by the amount of anger I feel towards this person.

What that night has shown me though, through my friend, her incredible, inspirational strength; her love, and the love I feel for her, and her boyfriend; how wonderful and kind he is and how grateful I am they have each other, is that there are good people in the world. They are worth finding and once you have been lucky enough to find them they are most definitely worth holding onto.

I realise how many beautiful, wonderful people I have around me, the people I have found and continue to find, and I feel so lucky. I can't believe that they seem to like me and to love me as much as I love them. But something we talked about that night really resounded with me, and that I feel is represented with this quote -

"Know you are the person your loved ones think you are."

That is a message I am having to tell myself over and over. When I feel disgusting, when I feel worthless, like nothing... That is what I have to say to myself (and something I believe everyone should tell themselves). That the wonderful people who surround you do so for a reason.

This blow has been a hard one, and it has brought up some things that have happened to me that I have realised in the last few days I have pretended to deal with and pushed under the carpet, and not dealt with at all. It is painful. But it is a new kind of sadness; it is more like a transformation, a metamorphosis. I know now that I want to look at this time as a period of change. I don't want to look back on what happened to me and continue to blame and hate myself. More than hatred, or sadness, or fear, I feel a huge amount of love. And that I believe can only be a good thing.