I am so overwhelmed at the moment.
I think it's pretty reasonable; I'm moving away (leaving all my favourite people behind), my mum's selling the house, I have a LOT of work to do I haven't even nearly got through yet. To be honest I might be more worried if I wasn't stressed at the minute ;)
Still, I'm having trouble dealing with the repercussions of that stress, which is to say, huge mood swings.
It takes the littlest thing to set me off and make me feel really terrible. I can go from feeling fine to having very bleak thoughts in a matter of seconds. I'm snapping and getting upset with my family, my girlfriend, for the silliest reasons. At the same time, in the last few days I've had some of the best moods I've had in a long time. As in, not just fine, but really really good. Which is worrying in itself, because we all know that after the high comes the inevitable fall...
In short, I am just feeling too much, and I don't really know how to deal with that.
It came to me that maybe, apart from the obvious stress and anxiety, this might have something to do with the fact I'm not really using behaviours at the minute. That's not to say I'm eating perfectly or behaving perfectly, but for the most part I'm not consciously restricting, or binging and purging.
When people say that things are harder because I'm 'fighting', I normally challenge that a lot.
I find it very hard to believe I'm challenging my eating disorder in any way.
My eating just 'is', so I feel bad taking the 'compliment', if that makes sense.
However the last few days I have been more triggered than I have been in a while, and part of that I think is me just wanting to 'feel' less. To stop having to think about this hard stuff and focus on something much more simple (sarcastic laugh here).
As Marya Hornbacher says (and sorry, I will stop abusing her quotes at some point ;) ), "Life is so muted when you have an eating disorder -- and that's the point. If you don't like life, you can turn it down and have your own little sadomasochistic affair with yourself."
It is so tempting right now.
But I know that eating disordered behaviours come with their own complications, and whatever good things you can find to say about them, they certainly don't simplify emotional matters. I am trying to just push on through as best as I can and cope with these feelings as they come, because this can't last forever (*crosses fingers*)
Still, I'm having trouble dealing with the repercussions of that stress, which is to say, huge mood swings.
It takes the littlest thing to set me off and make me feel really terrible. I can go from feeling fine to having very bleak thoughts in a matter of seconds. I'm snapping and getting upset with my family, my girlfriend, for the silliest reasons. At the same time, in the last few days I've had some of the best moods I've had in a long time. As in, not just fine, but really really good. Which is worrying in itself, because we all know that after the high comes the inevitable fall...
In short, I am just feeling too much, and I don't really know how to deal with that.
It came to me that maybe, apart from the obvious stress and anxiety, this might have something to do with the fact I'm not really using behaviours at the minute. That's not to say I'm eating perfectly or behaving perfectly, but for the most part I'm not consciously restricting, or binging and purging.
When people say that things are harder because I'm 'fighting', I normally challenge that a lot.
I find it very hard to believe I'm challenging my eating disorder in any way.
My eating just 'is', so I feel bad taking the 'compliment', if that makes sense.
However the last few days I have been more triggered than I have been in a while, and part of that I think is me just wanting to 'feel' less. To stop having to think about this hard stuff and focus on something much more simple (sarcastic laugh here).
As Marya Hornbacher says (and sorry, I will stop abusing her quotes at some point ;) ), "Life is so muted when you have an eating disorder -- and that's the point. If you don't like life, you can turn it down and have your own little sadomasochistic affair with yourself."
It is so tempting right now.
But I know that eating disordered behaviours come with their own complications, and whatever good things you can find to say about them, they certainly don't simplify emotional matters. I am trying to just push on through as best as I can and cope with these feelings as they come, because this can't last forever (*crosses fingers*)
I believe in you and I believe in your ability to fight this.
ReplyDeleteAlways <3