*could trigger*

I went today to a funeral of a family friend.
A wonderful, caring, gentle, generous, beautiful woman.

She sadly gave up her fight against depression and took her life on the 7th of this month.
It is such a sad loss.
She was so wise, and so talented, and so inspirational.
A truly lovely, lovely person.

I try to believe there is always hope. I do believe she had more to give and more to get from life. But I am so glad she is able to rest now.
Of all the people who deserve peace...

We buried her today surrounded by beautiful woodland.
The wind blew through the trees for her.
The sun was setting as we walked back up the hill.
And all through the ceremony everyone cried, smiled, and laughed...
Feeling grateful for the gifts she gave us while she still could be here.

I am reminded that there is so much love in the world.
And so much beauty.

Caroline used to say that it could be too early, but it it never too late...
(She was a bit of a scatterbrain and never on time).
And while it is too late to save her now, it isn't too late for us to take something good from something so awful, and really try to live this awful, beautiful life.

"There were many talents you possessed that I wished myself to have

But the way your eyes would gloss over, well I never envied that

And I doubt you'll ever come back now from wherever it is you are

'Cause you never understood what we loved you for...

...But I'll try to breathe in meaning, dig deep through every gasp of air

'Cause I know you did the same thing for as long as you could bear."

Drink up baby, stay up all night

With the things you could do

You won't but you might

The potential you'll be that you'll never see

The promises you'll only make

Drink up with me now

And forget all about the pressure of days

Do what I say and I'll make you okay

And drive them away

The images stuck in your head

The people you've been before

That you don't want around anymore

That push and shove and won't bend to your will

I'll keep them still

Drink up baby, look at the stars

I'll kiss you again between the bars

Where I'm seeing you there with your hands in the air

Waiting to finally be caught

Drink up one more time and I'll make you mine

Keep you apart, deep in my heart

Separate from the rest, where I like you the best

And keep the things you forgot

The people you've been before

That you don't want around any more

That push and shove and won't bend to your will

I'll keep them still

(Elliott Smith)

Uni

I leave for uni in 2 weeks now and it still doesn't feel real at all.
I'm not really excited, exactly, but I'm not dreading it as much as I was.
I am trying to get through this massive pile of reading but not doing very well, which doesn't bode very well for the term ahead...
I've also had massive drama about paying for accommodation that I won't go into, but rest assured, it's very irritating and very stressful.
All this, plus my friends leaving and hearing some news about my dad, is surprisingly not affecting me that much.
I've had some slip-ups, and I have been triggered, but they really do feel like slip-ups, an odd-one-out, and not just giving in to thoughts that are constantly there...
Food is still stressing me out, though. I can never decide what to have, if it's healthy enough, if it's too much, too little, has too much fat, too much salt...
I'm not obsessive, but I'm constantly worrying.
It makes me miss the 'rules' of my behaviours, but I'm trying to remember they never simplify anything... I just feel like I'm treading water at the deep end at the minute.

Hopefully I will feel a bit more balanced once I get to uni and get settled in, but I have a feeling this won't be as easy as it currently is for long... I'm worried about having an en-suite, looking after my own budget, having no one looking over my shoulder... I don't want to be ill; I don't want to waste my time with it, but to be honest there's nothing I want to do instead. And I worry that I'm leaving so much behind here that when I actually get to uni there'll be even less to try for.

Still... I am trying to remember what I am looking forward to, and focus on the positives... The beautiful place I'll be living, for example. :) I'm clutching at straws more than I think I should be, but I'm trying. I figure there'll be time enough for worrying later.

Overwhelmed

I am so overwhelmed at the moment.

I think it's pretty reasonable; I'm moving away (leaving all my favourite people behind), my mum's selling the house, I have a LOT of work to do I haven't even nearly got through yet. To be honest I might be more worried if I wasn't stressed at the minute ;)
Still, I'm having trouble dealing with the repercussions of that stress, which is to say, huge mood swings.
It takes the littlest thing to set me off and make me feel really terrible. I can go from feeling fine to having very bleak thoughts in a matter of seconds. I'm snapping and getting upset with my family, my girlfriend, for the silliest reasons. At the same time, in the last few days I've had some of the best moods I've had in a long time. As in, not just fine, but really really good. Which is worrying in itself, because we all know that after the high comes the inevitable fall...
In short, I am just feeling too much, and I don't really know how to deal with that.

It came to me that maybe, apart from the obvious stress and anxiety, this might have something to do with the fact I'm not really using behaviours at the minute. That's not to say I'm eating perfectly or behaving perfectly, but for the most part I'm not consciously restricting, or binging and purging.
When people say that things are harder because I'm 'fighting', I normally challenge that a lot.
I find it very hard to believe I'm challenging my eating disorder in any way.
My eating just 'is', so I feel bad taking the 'compliment', if that makes sense.
However the last few days I have been more triggered than I have been in a while, and part of that I think is me just wanting to 'feel' less. To stop having to think about this hard stuff and focus on something much more simple (sarcastic laugh here).
As Marya Hornbacher says (and sorry, I will stop abusing her quotes at some point ;) ), "Life is so muted when you have an eating disorder -- and that's the point. If you don't like life, you can turn it down and have your own little sadomasochistic affair with yourself."
It is so tempting right now.

But I know that eating disordered behaviours come with their own complications, and whatever good things you can find to say about them, they certainly don't simplify emotional matters. I am trying to just push on through as best as I can and cope with these feelings as they come, because this can't last forever (*crosses fingers*)

*May Trigger*

This is going to be very hard to write.
But just now I don't feel like talking about it, or posting about it.
I feel I know what people will say, and I understand that they are right. I am just working these things through in my head and they are very painful, and very new, and very difficult.
This doesn't mean to say I don't appreciate the people that will talk to me endlessly when I need to. I do, and I could never express how grateful I am...

On Wednesday night my friends and I got together some things were talked about that have been covered over so far.
My best friend told me something that happened to her that was very hard to hear.
It happened at a time when I was supposed to meet her.
We had a few misunderstandings, uncharged mobiles, missed texts, crossed paths, but didn't see each other...
She was furious after it happened. I was terrified I was about to lose a friend; I knew something was wrong but I didn't know what. I was scared, too, that I had broken the friendship between my then-friend-now-girlfriend and my best friend, which was the most beautiful friendship I have ever been lucky enough to experience.
Luckily, this horrific experience didn't stand in the way of our friendships for long. Of course, I understand now why she pushed as away so much. She didn't tell me until yesterday - and I think this is over a year now - because she didn't want me to feel guilty.
I understand that and I love her for it. Only a person with a heart as beautiful as hers could put herself second when she was in a place I can't even imagine. When she told me how it affected her it was like a knife through the heart. I love her so much, and I would do anything now to go back and change what happened. To be able to hold her hand and tell her how beautiful she was in the weeks and months that followed.
This isn't to say I feel guilty. I am deeply saddened, but I can't blame myself for it as much as I wish I could have changed it. The one at fault wasn't her - as she believed - but someone else.

I am shocked, over and over again, by the capacity some people have to hurt. I don't want to believe there are bad people in the world, but time and time again I am shown that there are.
I can't understand it. One thing I am proud of in myself is my capacity to forgive, but I am shocked by the amount of anger I feel towards this person.

What that night has shown me though, through my friend, her incredible, inspirational strength; her love, and the love I feel for her, and her boyfriend; how wonderful and kind he is and how grateful I am they have each other, is that there are good people in the world. They are worth finding and once you have been lucky enough to find them they are most definitely worth holding onto.

I realise how many beautiful, wonderful people I have around me, the people I have found and continue to find, and I feel so lucky. I can't believe that they seem to like me and to love me as much as I love them. But something we talked about that night really resounded with me, and that I feel is represented with this quote -

"Know you are the person your loved ones think you are."

That is a message I am having to tell myself over and over. When I feel disgusting, when I feel worthless, like nothing... That is what I have to say to myself (and something I believe everyone should tell themselves). That the wonderful people who surround you do so for a reason.

This blow has been a hard one, and it has brought up some things that have happened to me that I have realised in the last few days I have pretended to deal with and pushed under the carpet, and not dealt with at all. It is painful. But it is a new kind of sadness; it is more like a transformation, a metamorphosis. I know now that I want to look at this time as a period of change. I don't want to look back on what happened to me and continue to blame and hate myself. More than hatred, or sadness, or fear, I feel a huge amount of love. And that I believe can only be a good thing.

Warning - Sentimental...

This is probably going to be a very soppy, gag-inducing kind of post, and I may well end up deleting it in the morning, but I feel like there is space for positivity on my blog...

I've not written very much in detail here about my girlfriend and how I feel about her. I have said a little about how positively she affects my recovery, and the people who follow this blog are probably sick of me mentioning her every other sentence ;) but recently I have been having some revelations, and I think there is no harm in writing about that here (but this your warning, you non-romantics, you can look away now :P ). I am trying to count my blessings, to focus on the positives (and there are lots).

So... I am very much in love :) And I know that is something that is maybe said too often, but I think that when it's meant it should be said as often as possible - so I say it, and she says it back, and all I can think of is 'how do I deserve this; how did I get so lucky?' I am very happy... I am extremely thankful. It is hard not to put guards up, because you do realise how much more capacity there is to hurt one another when you care about each other so much.

This post is kind of a response to a poem I found this evening (I know, cringe, get over it), which - I don't know - expresses something in a way I could never do...

http://www.americanpoems.com/poets/sylviaplath/1410

"Not easy to state the change you made./If I'm alive now, then I was dead... I didn't know what to make of it./I shone... I started to bud like a March twig:/ An arm and a leg, an arm, a leg... It's a gift."

I don't know what to make of it :) I don't know what will happen, obviously, I can't predict anything. But I am happy, in this moment. :)

(If you got through that you get a gold star, I've outdone myself with gushiness)

Art Journalling and Photos for Lucy!

I promised Lucy some pictures from my recent trip to Brighton, since she's never been, and here they are as promised...

And since I've got my camera back I can post some pictures of my art journal again! (Lucky you ;) )


Alright, so this one's a bit angsty, but it did the job at the time ;)

"It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live, because what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is."

This one's so so cheesy, but I liked the message, I can't credit who wrote it originally but it wasn't me - "Recovery is a Lifestyle -it's about treating your body with respect. It's about feeding and loving your body. It's about self-acceptance. It's about being spiritual. It's about celebrating your body. It's about living a life of happiness. It's about persevering when things are bad. It's about kicking self-hate out of your life. It's about smiling and laughing when times are good and being open and honest when they're not. It's about knowing you deserve better. It's about fighting the good fight and always looking forward. Recovery is empowering and liberating and something that everyone should do!"

"because finally after all this struggle and all these years, you don't want to any more, you've simply had enough of drowning and you want to live and you want to love and you will walk across any territory and any darkness, however fluid and however dangerous, to take the one hand you know belongs in yours."
I can't credit this properly either, just random text I've stolen from some recovery blog (sorry internet)...

I really need an update, I'll get round to it at some point...

Diving

I've been wrestling with the concept of recovery recently - whether I believe in it (I've decided I do); whether I think I can get there (I've decided I can) and whether it's worth it (um, yes). Whether I deserve it, whether I know how to get there and whether I feel able to right now? Much more of a problem.

Things have been difficult recently. For one reason or another, I'm panicking. I'm resorting to behaviours a lot, and while they aren't worse, exactly, than the ones I've been using in the past few months, I've been scared (and others have been worried) by how fast my mind has been flicking switches, how quickly it can be taken over by something I'm still convincing myself is a disease.
I feel like there should be enough motivation in that fear, or I should have some desire to be myself again (it's hard to feel like your own person when such a massive proportion of your thoughts are about food, weight, calories...), but there isn't, and I don't. I want to be happy. I want a life. I want to make others happy. I know I will have to make that all for myself. I just still can't connect these things with my eating disorder, so in all honesty it feels pointless to recover from something I don't believe, deep down, is a real problem. On the other hand, I have to remember that I don't know what life is like without it, and isn't it worth a try? Isn't it worth just giving it a go, because recovering isn't just about eating enough, but not too much, and keeping it down? I want my bravery back, I want some strength back. To be able to believe that I can be more than I am and my that life can be more than it is.

I know I need to get to that point (and I've been there before) where I am brave enough to give it a go, to jump and let myself fall I-don't-know-where. I just don't know how to get there.

In the words of the fantastic Marya Hornbacher -
"Bear in mind you have a life to live. There is an incredible loss. There is a profound grief. And there is, in the end, after a long time and more work than you ever thought possible, a time when it gets easier.

There is, in the end, the letting go."

New art journal page :)

Sorry for the flash - I did this in Crayola crayons (I know, right?) and they're pretty shiny, so... I'm not that pleased with how this turned out but it did the job and honestly, you can't waste a good hour's hard colouring. The quotes are mostly from Bright Eyes songs (what I was listening to at the time) and there's another that is a bit of a misquote, it reads "And you cannot bear your living body because it has failed you somewhere". Apparently that's Henry Cameron?

The main quote reads "And I know the cause, and I want to stop - but I can't do it, I just can't do it", which is from 'Devil in the Details' by Bright Eyes, as is "this is gonna be reality; you can never dream it down (I have no way of telling the two apart)" and "If there's still time to turn around, I'm going to... I was the first one I deceived - if I can make myself believe, the rest is easy." The song is here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b08Z5uVL38s

"I lifted one foot to cross the other and I felt myself slip in; it was a small mistake, sometimes that's all it takes" is from 'From a Balance Beam' also by Bright Eyes, which is here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHNVbCXK1D0

Choosing Recovery

I've been writing this post in my head for days, trying to get it out right. I have a lot to say; this has been one hell of a week. I'm struggling to believe it is only one week, so much has happened.

All things considered it hasn't been brilliant. For a few reasons I've been extremely triggered and using behaviours a lot, but in a way it's been a wake up call. I'm starting to understand the fact that what I do to myself has consequences - I'm not going to get away with treating myself like this forever.

What I really want to talk about, and the good thing that has come out of this week, is a mindset I've been finding myself in. Slowly slowly, I'm coming round to the idea that recovery is necessary, possible, and the right thing to do. This is massive; I've been waiting for this a long time, and this shift has come for a number of reasons... The continued support of my lovely friends and girlfriend, and, more recently, the support of a new group I'm a part of. I can't stress enough how much the wonderful, amazing people in that group have helped me even in such a short time, and I feel so lucky to have been offered this chance.

I'm struggling with the age-old beliefs 'you're not sick (enough)', 'you're not thin enough', 'you don't deserve to treat yourself properly'... I could go on. But I know I can't expect that to go away overnight. Saying I choose recovery doesn't mean I can never use a behaviour again or that I have to absolutely love myself from this second on. I'm not ready or able for either of those things, but I can see them on the horizon. There is a lot I want out of life, and I feel I have a responsibility to get what I can - that's not greediness, is it? It's just making the most of what you've got.

I've always loved writing and drawing creatively, and one of the things that being ill has taken from me is my ability to do these things. To begin with, depression took away most of the enjoyment from the things I liked to do, and on top of that I tend to be so self-critical it's impossible to enjoy anything creative anyway.

I hate that. I hate that things I used to find happiness in have been taken from me. So I've decided to make an effort to get back into these things - baby steps :) And to begin with here's a picture I did today - the first I've even been relatively pleased with in the last few months. It's nothing spectacular but I'm definitely pleased I've done it.

Hi guys :) This is a bit of an experiment - I've never had a blog before so I'm either going to dive right into this one or forget about it in a couple of days... We shall see!

Other than other people around me having incredibly wonderful, inspiring blogs, I suppose the main thing that's led me into starting this one is that lately I've felt unable to properly express how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking. I've never really been one to do that; normally I can talk plenty about myself (you might even say too much). So I'm thinking that this might be a good way to try and get my thoughts in order, basically.

I've also been thinking a fair bit about getting back into doing creative things - I used to do a lot of artwork and writing and actually found it very helpful, but it's been a long time since I've been able to actually create anything. A very nasty combination of perfectionism and self-hatred as well as a lack of motivation have basically put a stop to it. I feel like writing is maybe aiming too high, but I'd definitely like to try doing some drawing or something - if I do, I'll post it on here...

Another thing that's on my mind is the referral I've been waiting for since the beginning of March. I'm in two minds about it - half of me is terrified of getting help, and half of me's terrified I won't be offered any, or I'll have to wait a lot longer. I do believe to some extent that this is my last chance, and I don't know what I'll do if whatever I'm offered isn't enough. I had a letter through a while back (say, 2 months ago, eek) telling me to please make another appointment at the surgery to review how I'm doing in the meantime - I did make one appointment, cancelled it, and I've been avoiding making another with one excuse or another since then. I do know I should make one though. I tried the surgery yesterday but it was closed, so I'm going to try again tomorrow. Eek. I'll worry about what I'll do when I actually get an appointment when I get one...