The New Year.

I've long since stopped writing lists of resolutions (stop biting your nails, lose some weight, read more, do more, be more...) because I am trying to stop measuring myself up against ideals I can't achieve. I am slowly (very slowly) coming to terms with the fact that yes, I am in fact human, and yes, that means I'm fallible.

However much I may wish I were superwoman, the sad truth is that I can't reach every goal and tick off every point on my to do list whilst keeping a hold on my health and my sanity (and let's face it, I won't get so far with those to-do's if I've lost it - from experience). I am guilty of aiming to high and then dropping it all in despair and I realise that gets me nowhere.

There are so many things I want to achieve though and although I am being careful, to a point, with how gentle I am with myself I do know that I am by nature a procrastinator. So how do I go about achieving what is possible and healthy? How do I know what to aim for and how much to push myself? I don't think I can come to a conclusion on this (if anyone has any answers, I would be glad to hear them..!) and I suppose it is trial and error.

I used to a party on New Year's Eve every year as a child and I remember vividly this ritual we would go through every year: each of us would write out something we wanted to welcome into our lives in the coming year and something we wanted to say goodbye to. The welcomed wish was sent off in a balloon; what we wished to lose was burned in a bonfire. I am trying to simplify how I'm feeling to these two points but I can't - honestly, for me, tomorrow evening at midnight nothing special will happen. I won't change. My motivations, desires, hopes; none of that will change. A minute will pass. A new day will begin.

I will use this time though to look back and to look forward. What am I bringing with me and what will I leave behind? Where do I want to be; what do I want to be saying, this time next year?

This year I have gained back weight (a lot of it), a belief that I can get out of that kind of madness (I am by no means where I want to be with that, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel). I have lost inches and inches of hair. I have gained new friends, new loves, new interests, new obsessions. I am changed and I am the same. My plans have changed over and over and will change again.

I am looking forward into this new year with hope and with the belief that if sure of nothing else I can be sure of the fact that things will keep on changing. I will sit and think, keep going, and wait for Spring.

"Let everything happen to you.
Beauty and terror.
Just keep going.
No feeling is final."
-Rainer Maria Rilke-

What does Winter/December mean to you?

BFW Advent Calendar - December 3rd

Josephine Broekhuizen

I am looking forward to this Christmas. That may not sound like much, but it is significant to me.

For a long time, Winter has been synonymous for me with grey days, depression, loneliness, anxiety... December meant the anxiety of meals with the family, social occasions I couldn't handle, panic over the sheer volume of food in the house when the infamous 'Christmas shop' arrived... It depressed me that these things, designed to be a pleasure, a celebration, were such a stressful experience for me.

I am looking forward to this Christmas because this is the most stable I have been at this time of year for a long, long time.

I plan on keeping down my Christmas dinner. I am opening my advent calendar (on the odd days, I am sharing!) with the innocent excitement I have been without for too long. I have been at a stable weight for seven months now, in the healthy range, and I no longer have to use baggy clothes to cover up. I am living on my own, and I have the power to decide when to see my family and my friends. I can decide - without guilt - when I feel safe enough to see my parents. My relationship with them is all the better for it.

I am looking forward to waking up with my mum on Christmas day. I am looking forward to giving my friends and family their gifts, because giving gifts is something that gives me a huge amount of joy. I am so thankful, now, for the love of the people around me. I have so many beautiful people in my life. Winter is coming to mean for me a time for rest. Not to hibernate, as I have edged towards, but to refresh myself with the pleasure of my own space, balanced with the company of those I love.

The cold is teaching me to nurture myself. To wear what is warm, to eat well, to give myself a hot water bottle. Things that would have seemed too difficult before - so many of us know how difficult it is to give a gift to ourselves. We are taught that Christmas means being selfless, but so often at the expense of our selves. To come to enjoy giving my time, my money and my energy to others at this time of year whilst knowing I am allowed to give myself the same energy is a wonderful gift.

This reflection is becoming a ramble. I realise I don't know what Winter means to me, not really, because so much has changed and is still constantly changing  in my life. This time of year is such a wonderful time to be around children, to be aware of that innocence and pure excitement that only they have. I am excited, though. I am excited to explore this time of year for myself, for what feels like the first time.