What does Winter/December mean to you?

BFW Advent Calendar - December 3rd

Josephine Broekhuizen

I am looking forward to this Christmas. That may not sound like much, but it is significant to me.

For a long time, Winter has been synonymous for me with grey days, depression, loneliness, anxiety... December meant the anxiety of meals with the family, social occasions I couldn't handle, panic over the sheer volume of food in the house when the infamous 'Christmas shop' arrived... It depressed me that these things, designed to be a pleasure, a celebration, were such a stressful experience for me.

I am looking forward to this Christmas because this is the most stable I have been at this time of year for a long, long time.

I plan on keeping down my Christmas dinner. I am opening my advent calendar (on the odd days, I am sharing!) with the innocent excitement I have been without for too long. I have been at a stable weight for seven months now, in the healthy range, and I no longer have to use baggy clothes to cover up. I am living on my own, and I have the power to decide when to see my family and my friends. I can decide - without guilt - when I feel safe enough to see my parents. My relationship with them is all the better for it.

I am looking forward to waking up with my mum on Christmas day. I am looking forward to giving my friends and family their gifts, because giving gifts is something that gives me a huge amount of joy. I am so thankful, now, for the love of the people around me. I have so many beautiful people in my life. Winter is coming to mean for me a time for rest. Not to hibernate, as I have edged towards, but to refresh myself with the pleasure of my own space, balanced with the company of those I love.

The cold is teaching me to nurture myself. To wear what is warm, to eat well, to give myself a hot water bottle. Things that would have seemed too difficult before - so many of us know how difficult it is to give a gift to ourselves. We are taught that Christmas means being selfless, but so often at the expense of our selves. To come to enjoy giving my time, my money and my energy to others at this time of year whilst knowing I am allowed to give myself the same energy is a wonderful gift.

This reflection is becoming a ramble. I realise I don't know what Winter means to me, not really, because so much has changed and is still constantly changing  in my life. This time of year is such a wonderful time to be around children, to be aware of that innocence and pure excitement that only they have. I am excited, though. I am excited to explore this time of year for myself, for what feels like the first time.