I've been wrestling with the concept of recovery recently - whether I believe in it (I've decided I do); whether I think I can get there (I've decided I can) and whether it's worth it (um, yes). Whether I deserve it, whether I know how to get there and whether I feel able to right now? Much more of a problem.
Things have been difficult recently. For one reason or another, I'm panicking. I'm resorting to behaviours a lot, and while they aren't worse, exactly, than the ones I've been using in the past few months, I've been scared (and others have been worried) by how fast my mind has been flicking switches, how quickly it can be taken over by something I'm still convincing myself is a disease.
I feel like there should be enough motivation in that fear, or I should have some desire to be myself again (it's hard to feel like your own person when such a massive proportion of your thoughts are about food, weight, calories...), but there isn't, and I don't. I want to be happy. I want a life. I want to make others happy. I know I will have to make that all for myself. I just still can't connect these things with my eating disorder, so in all honesty it feels pointless to recover from something I don't believe, deep down, is a real problem. On the other hand, I have to remember that I don't know what life is like without it, and isn't it worth a try? Isn't it worth just giving it a go, because recovering isn't just about eating enough, but not too much, and keeping it down? I want my bravery back, I want some strength back. To be able to believe that I can be more than I am and my that life can be more than it is.
I know I need to get to that point (and I've been there before) where I am brave enough to give it a go, to jump and let myself fall I-don't-know-where. I just don't know how to get there.
In the words of the fantastic Marya Hornbacher -
"Bear in mind you have a life to live. There is an incredible loss. There is a profound grief. And there is, in the end, after a long time and more work than you ever thought possible, a time when it gets easier.
There is, in the end, the letting go."
"Bear in mind you have a life to live. There is an incredible loss. There is a profound grief. And there is, in the end, after a long time and more work than you ever thought possible, a time when it gets easier.
