BFW - The Value of Hurt

This is the first post from the Blogging for Wellbeing 'Empowerment, Strength and Overcoming' theme. I love the direction this is going in and think it could lead to some really interesting posts from the group :)

Through everything I've been through - and mostly, that has meant everything I have put myself through - I have often thought that I would not wish that hell on another person. Not even someone I hated with a passion (I can't imagine that, but even if I did). I can't deny that it really was hell  and I wouldn't go through the worst of those days willingly again if you paid me, but neither would I erase it all. That would be the easy option - I am struggling to erase the stains left behind from those many, many bad days - but I would never sacrifice what I have gained from them.

The days I was suicidal have made me appreciate with joy the days I wake up with excitement (for anything). The days I wouldn't allow myself to eat and sat in self-hatred, anguish and anxiety have meant that I don't take for granted a single bite of my favourite foods, or the energy running through me allowing to do what I want and what I need, or the way my body seems to click now. I am grateful every day for being able to read, to climb stairs easily... I have a long way to go but it is wonderful to appreciate how far I have come.

I wonder now what I would have become had everything been different. I think that really a great deal would have been the same. I think some essential things would have been the same (see image - "you always were") but I would never want to sacrifice the gratitude I now have.

Happy New Year

"When the sun sets on one phase of life, find peace in knowing that new beginnings bring light to the horizon.
Recognise an ending is the moment preceding a new beginning, and fear of change transforms into anticipation."

2013 isn't going brilliantly so far; I slept all day today and surfaced in the evening to eat. I did, however, get dressed (in pyjamas) and get a few things done. Today, all in all, not a success, but not a failure either.

I am glad I don't put too much stock into new beginnings. I know it puts too much pressure on me. In the past a new year (/month, /day) has meant a "new me" - all my plans and hopes converted into unobtainable goals to achieve, and I would subsequently fail and be unable to pick myself up off the floor because of the beating I was giving myself for being a 'failure'. I can't have such high expectations of myself, and shouldn't, because, for me, they aren't helpful or productive. Or healthy. Or compassionate. It's a tricky balance to maintain, getting things done and staying (relatively) sane.

What do I want from this year? A healthier self, a more satisfying and manageable life, but I am so scared of change and the work it takes. Therapy has been so difficult recently and I feel like I'm scratching at the wall; hurting, and getting nowhere. Beating myself up once again for not achieving what I think I ought to as quickly as I should. Being frightened that in fact I am unable of doing anything to facilitate the change I want and need. I suppose my fear of change is mirrored by a fear of not-changing. I think the latter is definitely the scarier of the two.

But here I am. If nothing else I have 364 days ahead of me this year, with 24 hours in each. All I ask and all I can hope for is that I get somewhere. Change is slow; real change that is, and I do think if I keep going I can't help but achieve something. I am trying to be excited about the limitless possibilities facing me. There are a lot of exciting, beautiful, wonderful things out there.