"When the sun sets on one phase of life, find peace in knowing that new beginnings bring light to the horizon.
Recognise an ending is the moment preceding a new beginning, and fear of change transforms into anticipation."
Recognise an ending is the moment preceding a new beginning, and fear of change transforms into anticipation."
2013 isn't going brilliantly so far; I slept all day today and surfaced in the evening to eat. I did, however, get dressed (in pyjamas) and get a few things done. Today, all in all, not a success, but not a failure either.
I am glad I don't put too much stock into new beginnings. I know it puts too much pressure on me. In the past a new year (/month, /day) has meant a "new me" - all my plans and hopes converted into unobtainable goals to achieve, and I would subsequently fail and be unable to pick myself up off the floor because of the beating I was giving myself for being a 'failure'. I can't have such high expectations of myself, and shouldn't, because, for me, they aren't helpful or productive. Or healthy. Or compassionate. It's a tricky balance to maintain, getting things done and staying (relatively) sane.
I am glad I don't put too much stock into new beginnings. I know it puts too much pressure on me. In the past a new year (/month, /day) has meant a "new me" - all my plans and hopes converted into unobtainable goals to achieve, and I would subsequently fail and be unable to pick myself up off the floor because of the beating I was giving myself for being a 'failure'. I can't have such high expectations of myself, and shouldn't, because, for me, they aren't helpful or productive. Or healthy. Or compassionate. It's a tricky balance to maintain, getting things done and staying (relatively) sane.
What do I want from this year? A healthier self, a more satisfying and manageable life, but I am so scared of change and the work it takes. Therapy has been so difficult recently and I feel like I'm scratching at the wall; hurting, and getting nowhere. Beating myself up once again for not achieving what I think I ought to as quickly as I should. Being frightened that in fact I am unable of doing anything to facilitate the change I want and need. I suppose my fear of change is mirrored by a fear of not-changing. I think the latter is definitely the scarier of the two.
But here I am. If nothing else I have 364 days ahead of me this year, with 24 hours in each. All I ask and all I can hope for is that I get somewhere. Change is slow; real change that is, and I do think if I keep going I can't help but achieve something. I am trying to be excited about the limitless possibilities facing me. There are a lot of exciting, beautiful, wonderful things out there.
We are ever changing. All of us. For me, the most beautiful change of all is in the metamorphosis of caterpillar to butterfly. Its slow, affected by its environment, gradual but so beautiful. You my love are a butterfly xxx
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