BFW - The Value of Hurt

This is the first post from the Blogging for Wellbeing 'Empowerment, Strength and Overcoming' theme. I love the direction this is going in and think it could lead to some really interesting posts from the group :)

Through everything I've been through - and mostly, that has meant everything I have put myself through - I have often thought that I would not wish that hell on another person. Not even someone I hated with a passion (I can't imagine that, but even if I did). I can't deny that it really was hell  and I wouldn't go through the worst of those days willingly again if you paid me, but neither would I erase it all. That would be the easy option - I am struggling to erase the stains left behind from those many, many bad days - but I would never sacrifice what I have gained from them.

The days I was suicidal have made me appreciate with joy the days I wake up with excitement (for anything). The days I wouldn't allow myself to eat and sat in self-hatred, anguish and anxiety have meant that I don't take for granted a single bite of my favourite foods, or the energy running through me allowing to do what I want and what I need, or the way my body seems to click now. I am grateful every day for being able to read, to climb stairs easily... I have a long way to go but it is wonderful to appreciate how far I have come.

I wonder now what I would have become had everything been different. I think that really a great deal would have been the same. I think some essential things would have been the same (see image - "you always were") but I would never want to sacrifice the gratitude I now have.

Happy New Year

"When the sun sets on one phase of life, find peace in knowing that new beginnings bring light to the horizon.
Recognise an ending is the moment preceding a new beginning, and fear of change transforms into anticipation."

2013 isn't going brilliantly so far; I slept all day today and surfaced in the evening to eat. I did, however, get dressed (in pyjamas) and get a few things done. Today, all in all, not a success, but not a failure either.

I am glad I don't put too much stock into new beginnings. I know it puts too much pressure on me. In the past a new year (/month, /day) has meant a "new me" - all my plans and hopes converted into unobtainable goals to achieve, and I would subsequently fail and be unable to pick myself up off the floor because of the beating I was giving myself for being a 'failure'. I can't have such high expectations of myself, and shouldn't, because, for me, they aren't helpful or productive. Or healthy. Or compassionate. It's a tricky balance to maintain, getting things done and staying (relatively) sane.

What do I want from this year? A healthier self, a more satisfying and manageable life, but I am so scared of change and the work it takes. Therapy has been so difficult recently and I feel like I'm scratching at the wall; hurting, and getting nowhere. Beating myself up once again for not achieving what I think I ought to as quickly as I should. Being frightened that in fact I am unable of doing anything to facilitate the change I want and need. I suppose my fear of change is mirrored by a fear of not-changing. I think the latter is definitely the scarier of the two.

But here I am. If nothing else I have 364 days ahead of me this year, with 24 hours in each. All I ask and all I can hope for is that I get somewhere. Change is slow; real change that is, and I do think if I keep going I can't help but achieve something. I am trying to be excited about the limitless possibilities facing me. There are a lot of exciting, beautiful, wonderful things out there. 

The New Year.

I've long since stopped writing lists of resolutions (stop biting your nails, lose some weight, read more, do more, be more...) because I am trying to stop measuring myself up against ideals I can't achieve. I am slowly (very slowly) coming to terms with the fact that yes, I am in fact human, and yes, that means I'm fallible.

However much I may wish I were superwoman, the sad truth is that I can't reach every goal and tick off every point on my to do list whilst keeping a hold on my health and my sanity (and let's face it, I won't get so far with those to-do's if I've lost it - from experience). I am guilty of aiming to high and then dropping it all in despair and I realise that gets me nowhere.

There are so many things I want to achieve though and although I am being careful, to a point, with how gentle I am with myself I do know that I am by nature a procrastinator. So how do I go about achieving what is possible and healthy? How do I know what to aim for and how much to push myself? I don't think I can come to a conclusion on this (if anyone has any answers, I would be glad to hear them..!) and I suppose it is trial and error.

I used to a party on New Year's Eve every year as a child and I remember vividly this ritual we would go through every year: each of us would write out something we wanted to welcome into our lives in the coming year and something we wanted to say goodbye to. The welcomed wish was sent off in a balloon; what we wished to lose was burned in a bonfire. I am trying to simplify how I'm feeling to these two points but I can't - honestly, for me, tomorrow evening at midnight nothing special will happen. I won't change. My motivations, desires, hopes; none of that will change. A minute will pass. A new day will begin.

I will use this time though to look back and to look forward. What am I bringing with me and what will I leave behind? Where do I want to be; what do I want to be saying, this time next year?

This year I have gained back weight (a lot of it), a belief that I can get out of that kind of madness (I am by no means where I want to be with that, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel). I have lost inches and inches of hair. I have gained new friends, new loves, new interests, new obsessions. I am changed and I am the same. My plans have changed over and over and will change again.

I am looking forward into this new year with hope and with the belief that if sure of nothing else I can be sure of the fact that things will keep on changing. I will sit and think, keep going, and wait for Spring.

"Let everything happen to you.
Beauty and terror.
Just keep going.
No feeling is final."
-Rainer Maria Rilke-

What does Winter/December mean to you?

BFW Advent Calendar - December 3rd

Josephine Broekhuizen

I am looking forward to this Christmas. That may not sound like much, but it is significant to me.

For a long time, Winter has been synonymous for me with grey days, depression, loneliness, anxiety... December meant the anxiety of meals with the family, social occasions I couldn't handle, panic over the sheer volume of food in the house when the infamous 'Christmas shop' arrived... It depressed me that these things, designed to be a pleasure, a celebration, were such a stressful experience for me.

I am looking forward to this Christmas because this is the most stable I have been at this time of year for a long, long time.

I plan on keeping down my Christmas dinner. I am opening my advent calendar (on the odd days, I am sharing!) with the innocent excitement I have been without for too long. I have been at a stable weight for seven months now, in the healthy range, and I no longer have to use baggy clothes to cover up. I am living on my own, and I have the power to decide when to see my family and my friends. I can decide - without guilt - when I feel safe enough to see my parents. My relationship with them is all the better for it.

I am looking forward to waking up with my mum on Christmas day. I am looking forward to giving my friends and family their gifts, because giving gifts is something that gives me a huge amount of joy. I am so thankful, now, for the love of the people around me. I have so many beautiful people in my life. Winter is coming to mean for me a time for rest. Not to hibernate, as I have edged towards, but to refresh myself with the pleasure of my own space, balanced with the company of those I love.

The cold is teaching me to nurture myself. To wear what is warm, to eat well, to give myself a hot water bottle. Things that would have seemed too difficult before - so many of us know how difficult it is to give a gift to ourselves. We are taught that Christmas means being selfless, but so often at the expense of our selves. To come to enjoy giving my time, my money and my energy to others at this time of year whilst knowing I am allowed to give myself the same energy is a wonderful gift.

This reflection is becoming a ramble. I realise I don't know what Winter means to me, not really, because so much has changed and is still constantly changing  in my life. This time of year is such a wonderful time to be around children, to be aware of that innocence and pure excitement that only they have. I am excited, though. I am excited to explore this time of year for myself, for what feels like the first time.

river papercut by fricktoria on Flickr.

I'm hoping to clear my head, here. Sat in bed with music in the background, my duvet round me, watching the streetlights flicker on one by one outside, I'm trying to remind myself what I'm holding on for, and why. To remind myself that it will happen.

I have always been uncomfortable with the word 'fighter' attached to me. When people tell me I'm fighting, I've been quick to correct them that I'm not, I'm not trying, I'm not being brave, taking no plunges. In the last couple of weeks, though, I've begun to see myself that way. Continually picking myself off the floor and trying to be kind, to be compassionate to myself and just fucking keeping going is the hardest fight I've ever come against. I am beginning to be proud of myself and to see myself as strong, when for me that has only ever been a word to describe other people.

I can get through this. I can get through this. It will get better; it will get better, if you keep going.
Constant mantras to myself.

I find it so hard to believe I'll ever be over Kate, and the thought is really terrifying. She is the closest friend I've had and honestly the only person I believe knows me completely. She is such an important part of my life, and I believe that is part of the problem. When we were together she was constantly acting as rescuer, me as victim; as a result I always needed her too badly. The fact I'm struggling with it so much now says more about that than about how much the relationship actually meant to each of us.

I know I can't rush this healing period and I have to allow myself to grieve but I resent it, I'm humiliated by my own weakness/vulnerability and I'm frustrated I can't make it happen quicker. I know now that I have it in me to heal myself but I'm impatient for it and frustrated with myself, and that is where the self-hatred slips in and the productive compassionate state gets drowned out. I am jealous and angry and I hate myself for that; I am sad and lonely and I hate myself for that, too.

What if it never happens? How do I go about finding someone who knows me and cares about me as much? How do I deal with this?

I have said a thousand times, I would give anything, anything, to be over this, and be able to be her friend. And maybe that desperation is telling of just how not ready I am to do that.

I wish I was ready to go to her exhibition today, to meet her friends and her potential-possible-kind-of-new-girlfriend and be happy for her. But I'm stuck alone at home. I am so profoundly lonely and I don't know how to fix that, except just to keep going, and keep trying, and keep reaching out to the love I still have in my life.

saying again

if you do not teach me I shall not learn

saying again there is a last

even of last times

last times of begging

last times of loving

of knowing not knowing pretending

a last even of last times of saying

if you do not love me I shall not be loved

if I do not love you I shall not love

("Cascando" - Samuel Beckett)

could be triggering (ED, SH, OD)

I've been avoiding blogging mainly because I don't have the energy, and also because I don't want to moan. I like having a positive spin at the end of my posts, but to be honest I'm finding it hard to see the silver lining at the minute. My last post is a fairly good example.

I feel completely dropped by the NHS. I have doctors appointments every two weeks, which is good, and my GP is great and has done all she can for me, but that seems to be very little. My mum has offered to pay for half for sessions with this therapist who has a few very cut rate places for people in need, so we can pay about a quarter of the price of a normal session between us (as in, I'm paying an eighth). I feel lucky to be offered this but incredibly, incredibly guilty. So guilty I don't know if I can go through with it. If I didn't feel so terrible and hopeless about the situation with the NHS counselling (I might be offered counselling with ED services in September) I wouldn't even be considering this. It doesn't seem fair on people who have even less money than me, or who haven't been able to find such a generous offer. I feel for everyone on the waiting list, especially because I truly believe everyone must be iller than me.

I am not beginning to believe that I might just be given up on. The NHS provides 25 (?) sessions max, and after that you rejoin the waiting list (which for me has been a year and a half). This situation is awful and it is terrifying, because for the first time I've felt like asking for help, as hard as it is, might not get me anywhere after all. I do want to get better. I'm fighting as hard as I can, but I can't do it alone; I've been trying for 7 years now and it's only getting harder.

I am really slipping. My ED symptoms are awful. My depression is so bad I haven't had a bath in over a month. That's disgusting, but I'm putting it out there to explain, because I don't have the words. I haven't brushed my hair in over a week. Getting up the energy to make a drink takes hours. My clothes get changed when necessary - generally once or twice a week, and I usually don't bother changing into pyjamas. I am trying to get out of the house every now and again, and I am achieving that actually. I've been to all of my useless appointments, been out to see a friend, been to Kate's a few times and to the bank, and I even went out one night without it being too much of a disaster - although I did end up self-harming, overdosing, drinking too much - compared to when I went out in Liverpool and was a total mess. I am actually going to work, and I can get through the day, although I'm making a lot of mistakes.

I am shakily on my feet and I am doing what I can. However, I am definitely existing, rather than living. I barely think my own thoughts. I can't concentrate. I have no desire to do anything. Feelings, especially positive ones, are few and far between. I feel like my brain is melting, much of the time.

I have my little 'recovery folder' with my list of reasons to stay ill, and reasons to get better. The fact I've made that list I think is a positive. I'm trying to hold onto these things, these moments where I feel something like motivation.

I can't do this, I can't do this any more. I've had enough. I can't cope and I'm on my own.

Art Journalling

I've been doing a lot of art journalling recently - I've found that it has helped me to process some difficult emotions that at the time were too extreme to talk or even think about. I generally draw like this when I'm in a very animated state, either feeling extremely bad (feeling unable to speak, read, with very strong urges to hurt myself) or at the other end of the spectrum, feeling very excitable and sped up, talking too fast (I don't really know how to explain that). In both cases I think it helps me manage the emotions without causing damage. It gives me the same emotional release I got from self harm, is the best way to describe it. At the time I don't understand what I'm drawing or why, but when I look back at it later on it is interesting to see how what I've drawn is incredibly related to the struggles I'm going through and the particular thoughts I'm having which were previously too hard to think about.

Here are some recent pages from my journals :)

Don't read, might trigger

My girlfriend can't make her mind up as to whether we're going to break up or stay together.
I am just letting myself get comfortable.
Just beginning to let myself feel safe again, and then the carpet is pulled from under my feet.
I'm terrified. Our break-up was the worst two weeks of my life. I was intensely suicidal, constantly. Couldn't deal with the slightest thing. Was absolutely hopeless and I can safely say I have never felt that bad. I was so illogical, and I feel that slipping back now this unsteadiness, this fear is back. I message her something, I do something, and then I get back to myself and I think, who did that? Why did I say that? Why have you fucked things up, again?

Because I always do.
I'm destined to.
I've always been told that I can't do a fucking thing right and it's true.

I really, well and truly, hate myself. I've been slipping slightly this week and this has really made me take the plunge. I can't see the point in holding out much longer. ED voice is pretty constant, although in a way that makes me feel like a total failure. As if there's anything wrong with me, as if I'm ill. I'm just an attention-seeking fuck up who insists on ruining everyone else's lives as well as her own. Can't talk to anyone.

*could trigger*

I went today to a funeral of a family friend.
A wonderful, caring, gentle, generous, beautiful woman.

She sadly gave up her fight against depression and took her life on the 7th of this month.
It is such a sad loss.
She was so wise, and so talented, and so inspirational.
A truly lovely, lovely person.

I try to believe there is always hope. I do believe she had more to give and more to get from life. But I am so glad she is able to rest now.
Of all the people who deserve peace...

We buried her today surrounded by beautiful woodland.
The wind blew through the trees for her.
The sun was setting as we walked back up the hill.
And all through the ceremony everyone cried, smiled, and laughed...
Feeling grateful for the gifts she gave us while she still could be here.

I am reminded that there is so much love in the world.
And so much beauty.

Caroline used to say that it could be too early, but it it never too late...
(She was a bit of a scatterbrain and never on time).
And while it is too late to save her now, it isn't too late for us to take something good from something so awful, and really try to live this awful, beautiful life.

"There were many talents you possessed that I wished myself to have

But the way your eyes would gloss over, well I never envied that

And I doubt you'll ever come back now from wherever it is you are

'Cause you never understood what we loved you for...

...But I'll try to breathe in meaning, dig deep through every gasp of air

'Cause I know you did the same thing for as long as you could bear."

Drink up baby, stay up all night

With the things you could do

You won't but you might

The potential you'll be that you'll never see

The promises you'll only make

Drink up with me now

And forget all about the pressure of days

Do what I say and I'll make you okay

And drive them away

The images stuck in your head

The people you've been before

That you don't want around anymore

That push and shove and won't bend to your will

I'll keep them still

Drink up baby, look at the stars

I'll kiss you again between the bars

Where I'm seeing you there with your hands in the air

Waiting to finally be caught

Drink up one more time and I'll make you mine

Keep you apart, deep in my heart

Separate from the rest, where I like you the best

And keep the things you forgot

The people you've been before

That you don't want around any more

That push and shove and won't bend to your will

I'll keep them still

(Elliott Smith)

Uni

I leave for uni in 2 weeks now and it still doesn't feel real at all.
I'm not really excited, exactly, but I'm not dreading it as much as I was.
I am trying to get through this massive pile of reading but not doing very well, which doesn't bode very well for the term ahead...
I've also had massive drama about paying for accommodation that I won't go into, but rest assured, it's very irritating and very stressful.
All this, plus my friends leaving and hearing some news about my dad, is surprisingly not affecting me that much.
I've had some slip-ups, and I have been triggered, but they really do feel like slip-ups, an odd-one-out, and not just giving in to thoughts that are constantly there...
Food is still stressing me out, though. I can never decide what to have, if it's healthy enough, if it's too much, too little, has too much fat, too much salt...
I'm not obsessive, but I'm constantly worrying.
It makes me miss the 'rules' of my behaviours, but I'm trying to remember they never simplify anything... I just feel like I'm treading water at the deep end at the minute.

Hopefully I will feel a bit more balanced once I get to uni and get settled in, but I have a feeling this won't be as easy as it currently is for long... I'm worried about having an en-suite, looking after my own budget, having no one looking over my shoulder... I don't want to be ill; I don't want to waste my time with it, but to be honest there's nothing I want to do instead. And I worry that I'm leaving so much behind here that when I actually get to uni there'll be even less to try for.

Still... I am trying to remember what I am looking forward to, and focus on the positives... The beautiful place I'll be living, for example. :) I'm clutching at straws more than I think I should be, but I'm trying. I figure there'll be time enough for worrying later.

Overwhelmed

I am so overwhelmed at the moment.

I think it's pretty reasonable; I'm moving away (leaving all my favourite people behind), my mum's selling the house, I have a LOT of work to do I haven't even nearly got through yet. To be honest I might be more worried if I wasn't stressed at the minute ;)
Still, I'm having trouble dealing with the repercussions of that stress, which is to say, huge mood swings.
It takes the littlest thing to set me off and make me feel really terrible. I can go from feeling fine to having very bleak thoughts in a matter of seconds. I'm snapping and getting upset with my family, my girlfriend, for the silliest reasons. At the same time, in the last few days I've had some of the best moods I've had in a long time. As in, not just fine, but really really good. Which is worrying in itself, because we all know that after the high comes the inevitable fall...
In short, I am just feeling too much, and I don't really know how to deal with that.

It came to me that maybe, apart from the obvious stress and anxiety, this might have something to do with the fact I'm not really using behaviours at the minute. That's not to say I'm eating perfectly or behaving perfectly, but for the most part I'm not consciously restricting, or binging and purging.
When people say that things are harder because I'm 'fighting', I normally challenge that a lot.
I find it very hard to believe I'm challenging my eating disorder in any way.
My eating just 'is', so I feel bad taking the 'compliment', if that makes sense.
However the last few days I have been more triggered than I have been in a while, and part of that I think is me just wanting to 'feel' less. To stop having to think about this hard stuff and focus on something much more simple (sarcastic laugh here).
As Marya Hornbacher says (and sorry, I will stop abusing her quotes at some point ;) ), "Life is so muted when you have an eating disorder -- and that's the point. If you don't like life, you can turn it down and have your own little sadomasochistic affair with yourself."
It is so tempting right now.

But I know that eating disordered behaviours come with their own complications, and whatever good things you can find to say about them, they certainly don't simplify emotional matters. I am trying to just push on through as best as I can and cope with these feelings as they come, because this can't last forever (*crosses fingers*)

*May Trigger*

This is going to be very hard to write.
But just now I don't feel like talking about it, or posting about it.
I feel I know what people will say, and I understand that they are right. I am just working these things through in my head and they are very painful, and very new, and very difficult.
This doesn't mean to say I don't appreciate the people that will talk to me endlessly when I need to. I do, and I could never express how grateful I am...

On Wednesday night my friends and I got together some things were talked about that have been covered over so far.
My best friend told me something that happened to her that was very hard to hear.
It happened at a time when I was supposed to meet her.
We had a few misunderstandings, uncharged mobiles, missed texts, crossed paths, but didn't see each other...
She was furious after it happened. I was terrified I was about to lose a friend; I knew something was wrong but I didn't know what. I was scared, too, that I had broken the friendship between my then-friend-now-girlfriend and my best friend, which was the most beautiful friendship I have ever been lucky enough to experience.
Luckily, this horrific experience didn't stand in the way of our friendships for long. Of course, I understand now why she pushed as away so much. She didn't tell me until yesterday - and I think this is over a year now - because she didn't want me to feel guilty.
I understand that and I love her for it. Only a person with a heart as beautiful as hers could put herself second when she was in a place I can't even imagine. When she told me how it affected her it was like a knife through the heart. I love her so much, and I would do anything now to go back and change what happened. To be able to hold her hand and tell her how beautiful she was in the weeks and months that followed.
This isn't to say I feel guilty. I am deeply saddened, but I can't blame myself for it as much as I wish I could have changed it. The one at fault wasn't her - as she believed - but someone else.

I am shocked, over and over again, by the capacity some people have to hurt. I don't want to believe there are bad people in the world, but time and time again I am shown that there are.
I can't understand it. One thing I am proud of in myself is my capacity to forgive, but I am shocked by the amount of anger I feel towards this person.

What that night has shown me though, through my friend, her incredible, inspirational strength; her love, and the love I feel for her, and her boyfriend; how wonderful and kind he is and how grateful I am they have each other, is that there are good people in the world. They are worth finding and once you have been lucky enough to find them they are most definitely worth holding onto.

I realise how many beautiful, wonderful people I have around me, the people I have found and continue to find, and I feel so lucky. I can't believe that they seem to like me and to love me as much as I love them. But something we talked about that night really resounded with me, and that I feel is represented with this quote -

"Know you are the person your loved ones think you are."

That is a message I am having to tell myself over and over. When I feel disgusting, when I feel worthless, like nothing... That is what I have to say to myself (and something I believe everyone should tell themselves). That the wonderful people who surround you do so for a reason.

This blow has been a hard one, and it has brought up some things that have happened to me that I have realised in the last few days I have pretended to deal with and pushed under the carpet, and not dealt with at all. It is painful. But it is a new kind of sadness; it is more like a transformation, a metamorphosis. I know now that I want to look at this time as a period of change. I don't want to look back on what happened to me and continue to blame and hate myself. More than hatred, or sadness, or fear, I feel a huge amount of love. And that I believe can only be a good thing.

Warning - Sentimental...

This is probably going to be a very soppy, gag-inducing kind of post, and I may well end up deleting it in the morning, but I feel like there is space for positivity on my blog...

I've not written very much in detail here about my girlfriend and how I feel about her. I have said a little about how positively she affects my recovery, and the people who follow this blog are probably sick of me mentioning her every other sentence ;) but recently I have been having some revelations, and I think there is no harm in writing about that here (but this your warning, you non-romantics, you can look away now :P ). I am trying to count my blessings, to focus on the positives (and there are lots).

So... I am very much in love :) And I know that is something that is maybe said too often, but I think that when it's meant it should be said as often as possible - so I say it, and she says it back, and all I can think of is 'how do I deserve this; how did I get so lucky?' I am very happy... I am extremely thankful. It is hard not to put guards up, because you do realise how much more capacity there is to hurt one another when you care about each other so much.

This post is kind of a response to a poem I found this evening (I know, cringe, get over it), which - I don't know - expresses something in a way I could never do...

http://www.americanpoems.com/poets/sylviaplath/1410

"Not easy to state the change you made./If I'm alive now, then I was dead... I didn't know what to make of it./I shone... I started to bud like a March twig:/ An arm and a leg, an arm, a leg... It's a gift."

I don't know what to make of it :) I don't know what will happen, obviously, I can't predict anything. But I am happy, in this moment. :)

(If you got through that you get a gold star, I've outdone myself with gushiness)

Art Journalling and Photos for Lucy!

I promised Lucy some pictures from my recent trip to Brighton, since she's never been, and here they are as promised...

And since I've got my camera back I can post some pictures of my art journal again! (Lucky you ;) )


Alright, so this one's a bit angsty, but it did the job at the time ;)

"It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live, because what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is."

This one's so so cheesy, but I liked the message, I can't credit who wrote it originally but it wasn't me - "Recovery is a Lifestyle -it's about treating your body with respect. It's about feeding and loving your body. It's about self-acceptance. It's about being spiritual. It's about celebrating your body. It's about living a life of happiness. It's about persevering when things are bad. It's about kicking self-hate out of your life. It's about smiling and laughing when times are good and being open and honest when they're not. It's about knowing you deserve better. It's about fighting the good fight and always looking forward. Recovery is empowering and liberating and something that everyone should do!"

"because finally after all this struggle and all these years, you don't want to any more, you've simply had enough of drowning and you want to live and you want to love and you will walk across any territory and any darkness, however fluid and however dangerous, to take the one hand you know belongs in yours."
I can't credit this properly either, just random text I've stolen from some recovery blog (sorry internet)...

I really need an update, I'll get round to it at some point...

Diving

I've been wrestling with the concept of recovery recently - whether I believe in it (I've decided I do); whether I think I can get there (I've decided I can) and whether it's worth it (um, yes). Whether I deserve it, whether I know how to get there and whether I feel able to right now? Much more of a problem.

Things have been difficult recently. For one reason or another, I'm panicking. I'm resorting to behaviours a lot, and while they aren't worse, exactly, than the ones I've been using in the past few months, I've been scared (and others have been worried) by how fast my mind has been flicking switches, how quickly it can be taken over by something I'm still convincing myself is a disease.
I feel like there should be enough motivation in that fear, or I should have some desire to be myself again (it's hard to feel like your own person when such a massive proportion of your thoughts are about food, weight, calories...), but there isn't, and I don't. I want to be happy. I want a life. I want to make others happy. I know I will have to make that all for myself. I just still can't connect these things with my eating disorder, so in all honesty it feels pointless to recover from something I don't believe, deep down, is a real problem. On the other hand, I have to remember that I don't know what life is like without it, and isn't it worth a try? Isn't it worth just giving it a go, because recovering isn't just about eating enough, but not too much, and keeping it down? I want my bravery back, I want some strength back. To be able to believe that I can be more than I am and my that life can be more than it is.

I know I need to get to that point (and I've been there before) where I am brave enough to give it a go, to jump and let myself fall I-don't-know-where. I just don't know how to get there.

In the words of the fantastic Marya Hornbacher -
"Bear in mind you have a life to live. There is an incredible loss. There is a profound grief. And there is, in the end, after a long time and more work than you ever thought possible, a time when it gets easier.

There is, in the end, the letting go."

New art journal page :)

Sorry for the flash - I did this in Crayola crayons (I know, right?) and they're pretty shiny, so... I'm not that pleased with how this turned out but it did the job and honestly, you can't waste a good hour's hard colouring. The quotes are mostly from Bright Eyes songs (what I was listening to at the time) and there's another that is a bit of a misquote, it reads "And you cannot bear your living body because it has failed you somewhere". Apparently that's Henry Cameron?

The main quote reads "And I know the cause, and I want to stop - but I can't do it, I just can't do it", which is from 'Devil in the Details' by Bright Eyes, as is "this is gonna be reality; you can never dream it down (I have no way of telling the two apart)" and "If there's still time to turn around, I'm going to... I was the first one I deceived - if I can make myself believe, the rest is easy." The song is here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b08Z5uVL38s

"I lifted one foot to cross the other and I felt myself slip in; it was a small mistake, sometimes that's all it takes" is from 'From a Balance Beam' also by Bright Eyes, which is here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHNVbCXK1D0

Choosing Recovery

I've been writing this post in my head for days, trying to get it out right. I have a lot to say; this has been one hell of a week. I'm struggling to believe it is only one week, so much has happened.

All things considered it hasn't been brilliant. For a few reasons I've been extremely triggered and using behaviours a lot, but in a way it's been a wake up call. I'm starting to understand the fact that what I do to myself has consequences - I'm not going to get away with treating myself like this forever.

What I really want to talk about, and the good thing that has come out of this week, is a mindset I've been finding myself in. Slowly slowly, I'm coming round to the idea that recovery is necessary, possible, and the right thing to do. This is massive; I've been waiting for this a long time, and this shift has come for a number of reasons... The continued support of my lovely friends and girlfriend, and, more recently, the support of a new group I'm a part of. I can't stress enough how much the wonderful, amazing people in that group have helped me even in such a short time, and I feel so lucky to have been offered this chance.

I'm struggling with the age-old beliefs 'you're not sick (enough)', 'you're not thin enough', 'you don't deserve to treat yourself properly'... I could go on. But I know I can't expect that to go away overnight. Saying I choose recovery doesn't mean I can never use a behaviour again or that I have to absolutely love myself from this second on. I'm not ready or able for either of those things, but I can see them on the horizon. There is a lot I want out of life, and I feel I have a responsibility to get what I can - that's not greediness, is it? It's just making the most of what you've got.

I've always loved writing and drawing creatively, and one of the things that being ill has taken from me is my ability to do these things. To begin with, depression took away most of the enjoyment from the things I liked to do, and on top of that I tend to be so self-critical it's impossible to enjoy anything creative anyway.

I hate that. I hate that things I used to find happiness in have been taken from me. So I've decided to make an effort to get back into these things - baby steps :) And to begin with here's a picture I did today - the first I've even been relatively pleased with in the last few months. It's nothing spectacular but I'm definitely pleased I've done it.